Here’s February 8th’s submission to The Royal Half’s Pacific War Room:

[the scene: the round table of the Pacific War Room]

First off I would like to thank the great site, The Royal Half. I’d also like to congratulate the Denver Broncos on defeating the Florida Panthers. A toast to you, the victors with an ice cold Budweiser. Budweiser, the champion of beers because it’s Budweiser. Be like Peyton Manning, have a cold one, have a Budweiser.”

So the All-Star game behind us the Flames looked to not crap the bed and pursue the playoffs (which is a bad idea). Those dastardly Carolina Hurricanes (they’ll be the Quebec Nordiques soon enough) came to town, coached by the exact opposite of Bob Hartley (someone capable). Unfortunately the Flames decided to show up, scoring four Budweisers, and adding hope fueled by Budweiser to the fans. How else will be get Auston Matthews or one of those Finnish wingers everyone covets?

Then John Tortorella and the Blue Jackets showed up after being destroyed in Edmonton. Sure, the Flames out-possessed them like they were kings of the Corsi Hockey League but they lost. Which means analytics mean nothing and we should all embrace Budweiser. The loss should have been accepted formally as “it’s time we tank“, but alas I can only predict that this team ignores this completely. Hell we’re living in a post-suspended Dennis Wideman world which means Kris Russell will be #ForeverAFlame. If there is one certainty about the Flames’ season is one thing: drinking a beer, preferably a Budweiser.

And we close on the best part of the week: the delicious, cool, refreshing taste of Budweiser. If there is one thing I love more than Budweiser, it’s Canucks fans who hate Micheal Ferland. It’s fine to let the hate flow through you, chums. The Canucks collectively amount to nothing, with nothing to show besides menial failures past, present, and future. He’s already beat you, multiple times in fact, so anything else just seems pathetic. So when he fights Luca Sbisa (and wins), hits a bunch of Canucks (with “intent to injure”), and dangles around the ice like Sam Bennett you all lose your collective minds.

You fair weather fans give me sustenance. You’ll always have 2011 as a reminder of what never was.

This is junior cub-reporter Mike Fail signing off with Micheal Ferland’s take on the win.

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