PACIFIC WAR ROOM – 1.25.16

The Pacific War Room returned on The Royal Half finally as I replaced friend and mentor the Book of Loob. So here’s my submission from January 25th:

 

*kneels at the grave of BookOfLoob*

I promise I’ll honor you the best way I can, Floob. I promise.

*Floob looks down from Hockey Blogger Heaven utterly disgusted I am replacing him in the Pacific War Room*

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk about something more dead and awful than Floob’s blogging career: the Trashcific Division’s burning trash heap. This week the Calgary Flams were bested by a gaggle of who-were-they’s and where-are-they-now’s in New Jersey. Everyone collectively filled their diapers, hurled them at their television sets, and launched into their usual tirades on the ol’ Twitter dot com:

Astute Flams Fan #1 – THE FLAMS SHOULD JUST TANK AND GET JESSE PULHUJUARHAJARI OR PATRICK LALAIME 

Astute Flams Fan #2 – OBVIOUSLY THE PROBLEM IS [insert one of the grossly over-discussed themes in hockey analysis and argue it to no end because you’re likely a guy who calls into radio stations after losses]

Guy who plays way too much NHL ’97 still – NO, NO, NO! THEY TOTALLY JUST NEED TO TRADE SOMEONE FOR A RETURN THAT TOTALLY COULD NEVER HAPPEN EVER. HOLD ON WHILE I SPIN THE WHEEL OF UNREALITY 

Wheel of unreality turn, turn, turn
Tell us the player we should burn

Your endowment effect is just absurd, friends. Stop the nonsense.

Two days later, the Flams rolled into Ohio looking to play exactly into every garbage narrative from two years ago when John Tortorella tried to ask Bob Hartley for his mom’s lasagna recipe between intermissions. Because Calgary media people love played out narratives. Because Calgary media types are have nothing of value to offer in meaningful discussion. Seriously. As usual god-incarnate 19 Year Old Sam Bennett scored two more goals.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: Sam Bennett is going to be the centre everyone thinks Sean Monahan is/could be. That said, I know it’s early on, but the likely ceiling of Bennett vs Monahan is unquestionably higher for Bennett than ol’ boring Sean. It’s not to discredit Monahan, who has put up quite exceptional goal and point totals, but to highlight how capable 19 Year Old Sam Bennett truly is.

Lil Sammy, Mikael Backlund, and Michael Frolik are three best friends who do everything together. Whereas the top line of Gaudreau, Monahan, and the rotating spot of “maybe he will work?” are struggling to some degree, the aptly titled BFF line are K-I-L-L-I-N-G it. Keep them together, Bob, just please keep them together. We all know eventually Sam Bennett will be a centre on this team, but for the time being he’s a fantastic LW on the second line.

This line is the only thing besides TJ Brodie that brings me joy on this team. Maybe at some point Mikael Backlund’s snake-bitten play will see him score some goals.

Following their utter pillaging of the disappointing city of Columbus, they jetted off to Carolina to eat BBQ. Unfortunately they had to play the Hurricanes and they lost. Why? Well they let the Hurricanes score five goals, many of which would make you turn your TV off and throw it out a window. But it’s okay, I pegged this team as playoff bound – hell they might be still. All that aside, it wouldn’t be a Pacific War Room unless we highlighted tweets of people losing their collective minds to things.

I call this series “Soul Crushing Cynicism and Despair Coated Realism”

This tweet is incoherent and makes little sense. I’m presuming he thinks that Flames fans are becoming the self-hating lot from up north who feast on the souls and blood of the youth in hopes of recapturing the finest moments of a dull franchise’s existence. Which we’re not; he’s just not good at accepting truth, only settling for the falsehoods that are in front of him.

Oh well, at least Sam Bennett is good and my golden boy Mikael Backlund too.

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