Things that suck and things that are good

In an effort to work towards fighting my anxiety I’m going to keep a list of things that make me feel anxious and things that make me feel happy lately. This list will get updated daily.

Anxiety causing things (February 6th)

  • (little bit anxious) I had to move my therapy appointment to Thursday because I feel gross and sick. I think I’m coming down with something again. I’ve spent most of the work day in and out of the bathroom. Having to reschedule made me a little anxious because I was looking forward to the session. I’m probably going to go throw up my lunch any moment now.
  • (little bit anxious) I fell asleep last night at my desk and forgot to write an article for this morning. I know I promised my editor a column and I felt bad that I let her down.

Things that didn’t suck (February 6th)

  • Brock and I went for lunch at work today. He’s a really good friend of mine and he’s been really invested in making sure I stay focused on my recovery. He’s keeping tabs on when I go to therapy and making sure  I’m feeling the best I can throughout the day. In the last few years he has had some personal struggles similar to mine so it’s nice connecting with someone on the same levels.
  • I had a project call at work for the giant GIS system overhaul I’m working on and it went well. I always feel confident and empowered on these calls because: a) I know my shit b) I know my shit c) My boss believes in me and d) My opinion matters, so when I provide feedback or come up with something it’s usually well received.
  • I woke up this morning to both of the cats (Spooky and Ginger) curled up with me and it was perfect.

Anxiety causing things (February 5th)

  • Yesterday I felt really good besides the continuation of more migraines. Then again, I barely left the house yesterday and I slept a lot.

Things that didn’t suck (February 5th)

  • I had an appetite yesterday for the first time in a few days so I ate a lot more than usual. I’m starting to waste away a bit so I’m trying to eat high protein food, stay hydrated, and walking often to keep myself from falling into a shame spiral of wallowing.
  • Made sure I kept my room clean and tidy. I get into a habit of wallowing and a mess building up in my room or bathroom. Even with the migraine, I managed to keep things looking orderly.
  • I got about 10-15 pages into Shea Serrano’s The Rap Yearbook which is one of the most vibrant, well-written books on rap that I’ve had the chance to explore. I’m not a huge rap fan, but I think that one of the best things about the genre (and it’s sub-genres) is the art of storytelling in non-traditional formats. The book itself is just a perfect package so far. It’s not only that Serrano is one of the best writers in the sports world, but it’s his passion for the genre of music that helps frame every song discussed in the book. Arturo Torres does a fantastic job illustrating and providing visuals too.
  • I didn’t get hung up about feeling alone because I know how important it is to work on my recovery and journey through dealing with anxiety. I feel really angry about things, but I’m using it to stay positive and focused on getting as close to 100% healthy as I can.

Anxiety causing things (February 4th)

  • I’ve been dreading finding an articulate way to reply to a text message that I think I should reply to, but I’m not sure? It’s really trivial (and I say that, because it is), but I really need to find a proper way to respond that doesn’t make me come off as a fucking bozo.

I had a stupid migraine all day so I slept most of today away. Migraines suck, kids.

Things that didn’t suck (February 4th)

  • Late last night (well into today) I helped Brian (my roommate) with the home theater in the basement. It really helped put my mind at ease. Now the home theater (besides painting and some other small things) is done.
  • Sonia (Brian’s fiance) made a ton of food and I got to eat the leftovers. I didn’t feel like cooking today and I won’t turn down Italian home cooking ever.
  • My migraine was gone after seven hours (which is better than usual).
  • Positive vibes and things from people I care about.
  • I felt pretty confident about my appearance today.
  • I slept a lot, finally; even if it was related to the migraine.

Anxiety causing things (February 3rd)

  • This afternoon I got anxious writing an email to my boss explaining why I thought some of the asks on our conference call were even considered. Because, the people asking them were talking out of their asses.
  • I left a big skidmark in the toilet this morning before work and felt awful that the cleaners we were bringing to the house (because of the ongoing basement construction turned my house in a shit heap) were going to clean my toilet and see it.
  • Thought about my dad dying
  • Thought about my own demise
  • Remembered our family dog has been gone for over a year and I really miss Molly a lot
  • Thought about a girl I like and how bad I feel for ghosting because my anxiety sucks
  • Thought about Jarome Iginla retiring and how it sucks seeing your idols age

Things that didn’t suck (February 3rd)

  • The Flames won
  • Mikael Backlund’s OT goal
  • TJ Brodie’s four assists and that shift with Backlund in OT
  • Having a new mechanical keyboard
  • A pretty woman smiled at me today
  • I laughed when someone farted at the urinal today
  • My beard didn’t look disheveled
  • I went three hours without feeling anxiety today
  • I woke up, on time, and didn’t feel like my day was going to collapse mere seconds into the day
  • The staff at the Starbucks near work seem to care about my existence and ask about things going on in my life. So it felt like my brief interactions with them daily seem to matter to some degree?
  • Felt productive at work… for most of the day
  • Got some graphic work done for the Nation Network
  • Didn’t feel completely overwhelmed thinking that maybe the future will  be okay

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